read um and weep, martha stewart

i did it! i made an edible and even (semi) tasty smatterings of baked goods these past couple of weeks!

first up, check out this masterpiece

mmm. what a beaut. and so what that it's supposed to be a tart but looks much more like a pie? come on - who really knows the difference? this gal does. and in case you're too lazy to click onto that link (although you should, it's pretty funny), the answer is NOBODY KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE! so there. 

the key to this piece of art was, i didn't actually have to bake anything other than the crust. i'm always pretty good with crust. then, the strawbs just lie on top and a little jam mix goes over that for shiny value. i personally think that anything with shiny fruit = a tart. 

the boy loved it (for real this time. not even for fake)

the second baking gem was this petite patisserie: 

so, i'm not quite sure why one day i was sitting around and all of a sudden thought, "i can't bake worth beans (although i hear beans bake pretty well. or so says that talking dog in the commercials). i've got an idea! i'll start a business selling incredibly gorgeous and delicious cakes and all the biggest names in the world will want to buy my cakes."

go big or go home, man. so, i went and bought (this is how serious i was about this idea) a cake decorating book.

granted, i didn't even crack open the book to make this little cake-a-roo. nor did i crack open a recipe. i bought a box mix (you've got to start somewhere, right?) and i nearly screwed that up even... i'd rather not talk about it. let's just say you shouldn't fill the pan to the brim with batter to bake it. doesn't turn out like you think it will. 

and granted, i didn't even make the fondant, although i did learn what the word fondant means! (it's the smooth frosting on top). i bought that at hobby lobby because i could. i did, however, paint the flowers on using straight up food coloring. so, i'd also rather not talk about how nasty the flower part of the frosting tasted... and forget to look at the bottom of the cake. i didn't know the best way to fold the frosting under. 

BUT, i did it! and if you're a big celebrity and would like me to make a cake for your next big event, act now, my calendar's filling up fast. 

in other domestic goddess news, i gardened yesterday! i think the last time i gardened was when i was about 6 and my dad was weeding and i was playing with this little toy i had - a little plastic dog with moveable joints that looked just like lassie and i'm pretty sure i thought he could talk (he couldn't). for whatever reason in my playing, the lassie dog was being chased by bad guys and needed to go into hiding. so, i used the garden shovel and buried him in the garden dirt. never to be found again. see - you'd be hesitant to garden with that kind of sad story too. 

anyway, totally pulled out the tools and the gloves and planted some flowers (which mr. milo helped with the digging), an herb garden AND a vegetable garden!! how excited am i?!? (if you can't tell the answer based on the number of exclamation points, you're just gonna stay in the dark). 

check out how cute! granted, it's a little bit smaller than i wanted it to be because how was i supposed to know that i needed that much dirt?? we're trying a thing called "lasagna gardening" where you start with wet newspapers and stack a bunch of yummy dirt and compost and sod on top of the newspapers in layers and then plant plants in that. thus the newspapers. but not thus the spoons. we just added those for fun. so, since i thought it would be bigger, i figured i'd have tons of room for squash, cucumbers, eggplants and more squash. but instead, those will all have to grow peacefully in their little square. could be amazonicly interesting...

i had a great time gardening! loved it! and then something very tragic happened. probably the most tragic of all gardening tragedies. i got stung by a bee. can you tell which toe (how lucky that i have the opportunity to take a picture of my toes on the very rare occasion that they're so well manicured...pedicured?...groomed)

it was my first bee sting ever. in my entire life. i could have died. we've all seen "my girl." how was i to know if i was allergic or not? luckily, i'm still alive to tell the tale. and the best part is, i'm STILL excited to garden! next time i'll just wear shoes. how boring is that?

we bought a vacuum from nike drake's dad

the boy in all of his husbandly glory took me to the vacuum store today to pick out a new vacuum!! i think the saddest part about that sentence is that i really did mean to put that double exclamation point at the end.

of course, we called first to see what time they were open until and to make sure they had the sexy little vacuum i've been eyeing. the saddest part about that sentence is that i think vacuums are sexy.

signs that you've found the perfect vacuum shop:
1. there are tupperware jars of junk to throw on the floor and vacuum up. think containers full of crushed up cheerios, dog hair, molecular-sized allergens...

2. there are vacuums in the store handpainted to look like an american flag. those aren't for sale. we asked

3. the countertop is covered in carpet. because why wouldn't it be?

4. the sales person's name is will drake.

will drake bought all four of his kids vacuum stores a few years back. so, there are four vac shops around the greater boulder area that carry the drake name. problem is, his son (nick) who runs the boulder shop has another day job, so will's stuck managing said store. which is probably why he's not overly invested in making tons of money there.

here's an excerpt from our visit with will:

bill: "we're here to buy a vacuum"
will: "we have those."
b: "great"
w: "this one you're looking at is our best seller. it's on sale from $300 to $250."
b: "great, we'll take it."
w: "but then they go up in cost and features. this one has a rubber handle. but it's $500, $400 dollars."
b: "huh?"
w: "$500 normally, but $400 on sale."
b: "so, what exactly is this sale? like 25% off or something?
w: "no. this one's not on sale. but i feel like giving it to you for $400."
b: "okay. but it's not worth an extra $150 for a rubber handle i don't think."
w: "then i'll give it to you for $300 since you called before you came in."
b: "sweet!"
w: "can i help you build it?"
b: "that'd be great."


at this point, he pulls out the box, sticks the handle into the rest of the vacuum and viola, it's built. good thing we had help with that. then, he went into the back room and started talking on the phone, presumably to one of his sons. "wow! you've made way more than i have today!" and stuff like that.

b: "how about vacuum bags? what are the best ones?"
w: "well these ones are the highest rated vacuum bags around."
b: "and what does that mean?"
w: "it means no other bags are rated higher."

thanks for the clarification, will

then we talked a little bit more about the vacuum's features - bringing up some points that we "researched" (aka, found on the homepage of the brand's website), that apparently we weren't supposed to know - only vacuum connoisseurs knew stuff like that.

i asked him why do they always sell vacuums and sewing machines together and he said, "ya know, i've worked in the business for 30 years and i have no idea. we're looking to get some ceiling fans in here to sell too. and some tasers." and he was serious

on our way out the door, will threw in two extra vacuum belts. "one to use and one to lose." thanks, will! that was the most enjoyable vacuum-buying experience i could ever imagine. and the vacuum is just as sexy as i knew it would be.

today's tangent

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